Is It Abnormal To Judge New Suitors Based On My Ex-boyfriend?
1 July 2009
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16 Comments
Is it an indicator that I still have feelings for my ex? We dated for 5 years and broke up about a year ago ( I am 22 ) and I always find that when I meet a new guy I think things like what the pros and cons are of the new guy as compared to my ex. I know that this is extremely unfair and I want to move on from my ex but am obviously finding it hard to clear my mind. What are some things that I can do to progress into being fully available for new suitors and not always feel like I need to comparison shop?
If you want to trade up, you’ll need to have some point of reference. I had a boyfriend that didn’t make enough money, so I dumped him. I always try to find a man who made more than my last boyfriend, and someone who has a classier job than my last one.
It’s normal.
You’ll stop comparing every little detail to your old boyfriend when you actually meet the right person. I know that’s not the most exciting answer, but I was in a similar situation and also compared all of my dates to an ex girlfriend. It wasn’t until I met someone who blew the ex away that I stopped comparing altogether and was able to enjoy the current relationship.
I think this is very common. I broke up with my fiancee when I was 22. We’d known each other for over 6 years.
Every girl that I met afterwards I would look for the good things I loved about my Ex but I would look for things that the new girl had that I didn’t like about my Ex. That type of comparison shopping is fine as you have something to base your selection on. You’re looking to upgrade.
If you are looking for somebody just like your Ex then maybe you should try to get back with your Ex as there is nobody else just like him.
If you still love your ex – then why aren’t you with him now?
Get your ex out of your head first..This will enable you to see how special other people are..I have proven this..
Its not easy to get your ex for 5 years out of your system. I know its not easy and we all know that moving on is easier said than done.
But the fact that your trying to move in as an indication that you really really want to get over him. It would be very hard but you can do it.
It’s not abnormal….I do the same thing. It’s unfair to them, though.
Either you still have feelings for your ex, or you really miss the relationship that you had with him.
I wish I knew how to move on, so that I could pass along that information to you. But I don’t. I guess it stops when it stops…sorry.
I don’t think comparing is a bad thing. You know what you want and what you don’t want. I just got out of an extremely emotionally abusive relationship and I know fact certain that when I decide to start dating again, I’ll be sure to look for any signs of similarities.
Because I chose to be with an abusive man, it’s likely I could make the same choice the next time around and I’ll be damned if that happens!
tough one.been there myself. there aint any way to move from comparison shopping to fully available. only the passing of time will help you forget your hurts and leave them in your past. for now, enjoy the company, don’t take things to the next level unless you are positively sure you are completely available…
Still comparing after a year?! Remember one thing your ex is your ex for a reason so if the new guy comes close in comparison he’ll probably become the next ex. You need to focus on you more. Find things that you like to do and then maybe you’ll be able to compare the new suitor to you and not your ex
not abnormal. look at it this way, we run our life through experiences from birth. so to this date you compare encounters today to what you learned as a child.
as long as it’s not affecting your relationships and your keeping your emotions in check it’s then normal. just make sure your keep yourself in reality.
yup, you still have feelings for him.. each guy is unique in their own way, and they should’nt be compared. so if you want a new guy, DONT COMPARE HIM TO YOUR EX!!
I think its hujman nature to compare suitors to previous relations. Just don’t make them suffer for something an ex did to you, as its not their fault.
not abnormal ….just unfair to the next guy, or the next 20 guys if you cant get over it. because they wont stick around too long if they are going to be held up to somebody else
It’s not abnormal but it’s really unfair and you shouldn’t do it. So just stop thinking like that. Good Luck!
think like that and you’ll never be with another guy, just move on, take it one step at a time.
It’s not abnormal but it’s not helpful either. As you say, it’s unfair to your new potential dates. Imagine if they did the same to you, comparing you to some hot chikita they dated for several years….
So who did the breaking up? You or the ex? I’m guessing the ex, since no, you’re not over him. as much as you’d like to date other guys, the fact that you’re not getting his face out of your system is a clear indication that you miss him, or at least the relationship you had with him. The next time you find yourself comparing your date to the ex, try to remember the bad side of your ex and compare that to the new guy’s characteristics. If this doesn’t help, it might be because you still need more time to mourn the relationship. You might not have given yourself enough time, even if it has been one year. good luck
The best way to clear your mind is to take some time off from dating.
I was in a similar boat to you, dating the same woman for 5.5 years, and breaking up when I was 27. I took 6 months off from dating any woman at all, and then I made sure I dated for fun for another few months. That included taking on lovers in casual relationships where the woman knew it wasn’t a serious relationship.
It’s not perfect, but you can’t get guy/girl out of your head if you are seeing other people, or actively looking. Take a break, and then casually date for a while. You’ll find yourself with a renewed sense of what you are looking for, and your previous partner won’t seem so fresh in your mind.
But it never goes away. You can’t be with someone for that long and not have them always around in your head. Even 15+ years later, I still think of my ex-fiance at least once a month. Not sexually, but just something that we did together that relates to what I am doing now. It’s how it works. You can’t erase those 5 years, so learn to remember them fondly and move on.
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